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Sea Change/See Change

Momentum and Impatience for Marriage Equality

During the last week in March, like many others across the country I was focused on the Supreme Court hearings about same-sex marriage. The cases they heard stand to have enormous impact on my life personally, so I was eager to follow the tweets and the Facebook posts by friends who were at the hearings and on the steps of the Supreme Court on those days, as well as to see how the story was playing out in the press.

During that news cycle, the meme seemed to be that same-sex marriage has “already won,” that there is a sea change in public opinion, and everyone acknowledges that eventually one day same-sex couples will be able to get married legally. I was practically blinded by all of the bright red in my Facebook news feed that week as all of my friends changed their profile pictures to express support the Human Rights Campaign. For a while there, politicians and public figures seemed to be stepping over each other in order to publicly declare their support for marriage equality or civil rights. Indeed it really does seem like folks are starting to truly recognize the bigotry for what it is, and realize that they are going to look ridiculous in the history books. I’m encouraged by the so-called “sea change” in public opinion. Indeed, we seem to have some real momentum in terms of popular support for LGBT civil rights.

While I gladly welcome this change and momentum, I also wonder what is taking so long, especially for those in public office. I’m pleased that Rob Portman, the GOP Senator from Ohio, has done some soul searching to come out on the right side of LGBT rights, particularly marriage equality. What bothers me is that he made the decision for personal reasons instead of considering how this discrimination impacts LGBT citizens that he represents. When Portman’s son came out as gay, he challenged his father to rethink his position on the matter. When he was able to see how discrimination impacted his own son’s life, he had a change of heart.

I know that this is how it this sort of evolution and revelation works for many people, and it makes sense. Once you know someone personally, a family member or a friend, the issue becomes personalized for you. You feel the impact yourself. It becomes about you and your community. This is how progress has been made in the LGBT rights movement.

However, Portman is a public servant, and he has a responsibility to represent ALL of his constituents. I feel compassion for him personally, and I applaud his efforts to evolve his personal beliefs about the issue of same-sex marriage. He stands as a role model for other parents of gay children. But when it comes to policy, I hold people in public office to a higher standard, and I expect them to understand fairness and justice. It is irresponsible for elected officials to legislate based on how those laws are going to impact the lives of their family and friends.

This incremental change, though ultimately moving in the right direction, is really hard to endure at times. The  recent decision of the Boy Scouts of America to accept gay kids into its membership, though to keep the ban on gay scoutmasters seems to some like progress. But truly this policy continues to send the message that being gay is wrong. It seems that some think I should be happy about the decision, but in fact it really hurts. Likewise, the public debate on the marriage equality vote in MN was really painful to hear. The anti-gay folks who testified spewed such hatred and bigotry that I had to turn the hearings off. I just don’t want to subject myself to that any more. I know that change is gonna come, and we’re on the right side of history. My right to exist is not a matter for public debate, so it is hard for me not to feel some resentment about the level of public discourse about public policy that impacts my life.

Twenty years ago it never even occurred to me that marriage equality would happen in my lifetime. But now it’s becoming a reality state by state, and now that I am building a life with the love of my life, I have grown impatient for it. I have glimpsed what a world with respect for my spouse and me will look like, what it will feel like to me and to us. Once you are used to living with an injustice, you get used to it, and you almost don’t notice how uncomfortable you are after a while. After the Supreme Court hearings on Prop 8 and DOMA, after all of the shows of public support for marriage equality, I was suddenly aware of the additional confidence I felt just walking down the street with Gillian. I hadn’t even been aware of the self-consciousness I feel each day, the worry that people will stare or be uncomfortable because we are two women together. I like to believe that I don’t have to worry about what people think, but the fact is that I do.

The truth is that we couldn’t be more “normal,” whatever that means.

So as we celebrate marriage equality in my home state of Minnesota, and we eagerly await the decision of our former home state of Illinois and the Supreme Court decision on DOMA and Prop 8, we continue to live out our days here in on the Main Line outside of Philadelphia. I go to my 9-5 office job, we make dinner together at night, walk the dog before bed, maybe go to the movies with friends on the weekend, or stay in for a flick with a bowl of popcorn. We’re building our little nest egg, saving to buy a house, saving for retirement, and just hoping that we will soon have fair tax laws,  inheritance protections, and hospital visitation rights that will be respected everywhere.

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What’s Making Me Happy, May 18, 2013

Perfect (well – almost) Chocolate Chip Cookies

I found this recipe on Saveur‘s website (one of my favorite food magazines) a while back, and it is almost perfect. Gillian had been telling me for years that she wanted to find a good recipe for flat and chewy and just a little crispy chocolate chip cookies. We found that the  recipe on the chocolate chip bag just wasn’t cutting it.

I say it is almost perfect because I don’t like the shaved chocolate that it calls for. I found that it melted so thoroughly throughout the dough that it made chocolate cookies, rather than chocolate CHIP cookies. They were good, but not quite what I wanted.

With a few tweaks and the original recipe more or less halved, this is what I’ve come up with. They are perfectly delicious almost every time. Being able to satisfy the discriminating palate of my spouse, who is an extraordinary cook, makes me very happy.

Ingredients

1 C flour
1 t  fleur de sel (or your favorite salt – I like to get a little fancy here)
1/2 t baking soda
1/4 t cinnamon (optional)
3/4 C brown sugar
3/4 C white sugar
8 T unsalted butter, softened
1 egg
1 t vanilla extract
6 oz chocolate chips, roughly chopped

Instructions

1. Mix flour, salt, cinnamon, and baking soda in a bowl; set aside.

2. In another bowl, beat sugars and butter with a mixer on medium speed until fluffy. Beat in eggs one at a time, then beat in vanilla.

3. Add reserved flour mixture, chocolate, and nuts; mix until just combined.

4. Roll the dough out onto a sheet of plastic wrap, and roll into a thick log. The log should be wrapped in the plastic wrap. You may opt to wrap the log with a second layer of tin foil. Chill for about 1/2 hour before baking.

5. Heat oven to 325°. Divide dough into 1-tbsp. portions; roll into balls, transfer to parchment paper–lined baking sheets spaced 3″ apart, and flatten. Bake until set, about 15 minutes.

I keep the dough in the fridge and make cookies to order, so they are fresh out of the oven whenever we want them.

Enjoy!

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What’s Making Me Happy, February 23, 2013

Knitting

While I don’t fancy myself an expert knitter at all, and I am taking baby steps in learning how to crochet, I am finding the crafting pastime a lovely creative outlet. I’ve been knitting for many years, and I have never been able to get beyond small projects, such as hats and scarves, or an occasional shawl that is rectangular in shape. I’m good with that, as long as I can complete the project I start, which has been a bit of a challenge at times over the years.

Out of determination, I picked out a couple of projects recently that I knew I could finish successfully, and in a short period. My Dad celebrated a birthday in January, and since it has been freaking cold in his neck of the woods this winter, I decided to knit him a scarf. I went Stash Knits in nearby Ardmore and picked out some gorgeous merino wool that was really wonderful to work with. Within a couple of weeks, I had completed a cable knit scarf, completed with love to keep my Dad warm in the frigid Minnesota winter.

Dad Birthday Scarf I particularly like this picture of Dad because he looks like a bandit with the scarf covering his face, and he’s sporting his Pink Floyd baseball cap, which he thought was a gay pride hat when he got it. He’s adorable.

ScarfAnd here’s a shot that shows off the cable patter pretty nicely.

Gillian HatI was so inspired after knitting the scarf that I went back to Stash to get another skein of the merino wool so that I could knit Gillian a hat. Here is the result. I completed it last week. She has been in need of a hat, but hasn’t been able to find one that is comfortable, hip, and warm. Until now. I couldn’t be more pleased!

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What’s Making Me Happy January 25, 2013

Pop Culture Indulgence

Winter is hibernation season, during which we, and Chez Conner-Smith, put our jammies on as soon as the sun goes down and we are in for the night.

After which we indulge in prime time TV popular culture.

In my adult life, I have let go of any shame that I ever felt for enjoying popular culture, particularly television, and I just indulge with relish. My recent show are particularly low-brow, and I am almost prideful of how much I enjoy watching these shows:

The Good Wife, Nashville, and the deliciously soapy Revenge and Scandal. Of course there is Mad Men and Son’s of Anarchy, which we need to catch up with since we haven’t had premium cable for over a year now. That is also why we haven’t been able to enjoy Homeland yet, which I look forward to

And now it is award show season, which I guess you could say started with the Kennedy Center Honors, followed by the Golden Globes. Next of course is the Oscars. Honestly, I don’t care that much about the winners, but I do enjoy the self-celebration of the entertainment industry and remind myself of all of the TV shows and movies I want to see. Some of it is entertaining, some of it inspiring. Some of it is annoying and tedious.

Oh, and then of course there is the red carpet. I admit, I do love the fashion show!

I also indulge in erudite popular culture criticism. The critics I regularly follow are Linda Holmes of the Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast, the folks at and Slate’s Pop Culture Gab Fest, Tim Goodman, David Bianculi and Bob Mondello.

And then there’s Music: Pandora, GrooveShark, and since I got my iPhone I have been addicted to TuneIn Radio and All Songs Considered and the NPR Music App.

Finally, and though it has already been a few weeks since it aired, this clip from the Kennedy Center Honors is still making me happy.

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What’s Making Me Happy – January 6, 2013

Cake Flour – and baking in general

Yes, cake flour. My wife is the resident artist-chef Chez Conner-Smith, and I am the designated baker. I do alright in that role, but I have to admit I have been discouraged by my results over the past year or so. However, I had some good success over the 2012 holidays, making delicious baguettes, a rustic loaf, and chocolate cookies that knocked my wife’s socks off (no small feat that – and no pun intended).

There are a few recipes in particular that I have thus far found vexing, such as biscuits. Before today, I had yet to follow a biscuit recipe that did not result in bricks that were just barely edible. Today I discovered the secret ingredient: Cake flour.

I just needed a little less protein. The following recipe that yielded light and fluffy biscuits that melt in your mouth. Delicious.

1 1/4 C cake flour
3/4 C all-purpose flour
1 T sugar
1 1/2 t baking powder 
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 t salt
1/4 C butter, chilled
3/4 C buttermilk*
1 pat of melted butter
A little extra flour for the work surface

  1. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.
  2. Mix all dry ingredients in a food processor.
  3. Cut the butter into small pieces or pats and put them in the processor with the dry ingredients. Pulse and mix until you have coarse crumbs.
  4. With the food processor running, pour in the buttermilk in a steady stream. Mix until you have a ball of dough, which should only take about a minute. You don’t want to work the dough too much. The dough should be nice and wet.
  5. Put the dough onto a generously floured work surface. Pat or roll the dough out until it is about 3/4 to 1 inch thick. Cut the biscuits into the desired sizes and shapes, either using a cutter or a knife.
  6. Cover a baking sheet with parchment paper. Lay the biscuits on the baking sheet. Brush tops with melted butter. Bake for about 10 minutes, or until tops are golden brown.
  7. Remove from oven, serve, and eat!

*If you don’t have buttermilk, you can make your own by squeezing about a teaspoon into the 3/4 C. milk.

I’m encouraged to try cake flour with popovers, and perhaps other recipes!

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What’s Making Me Happy, October 13, 2012

My favorite pop culture podcast, Pop Culture Happy Hour, ends each episode with a segment called “What’s Making You Happy,” and each of the panelists takes a turn sharing what in the world of popular culture and the arts is making them happy. With that inspiration, I’m going start doing a regular blog post on Paradoxologies about what’s making me happy. It will be fun to write, the sharing will also make me happy, and it will be an opportunity to spread good vibes (think: Puppies and Rainbows!).

I’m not promising that it will always be related to popular culture, although this first blog post is. And actually, I have two things that are making me happy:

The first: WXPN – I don’t know why it has taken me almost a year to discover this station. I guess I have been listening to Pandora and my podcasts all the time. Happily, a colleague at work told me that this week they are doing a count down of the 885 Greatest Rock Songs. It made the end of the week more fun in the office, and now I (finally) know about this local Philly radio station that has amazing programming! Yay!

The other thing making me happy is Tig Notaro. Notaro is a stand-up comedian who first came to my attention this past spring in the live show that This American Life did, in an act called Groundhog Dayne about Notaro’s encounter with the pop singer Taylor Dayne. I loved Notaro immediately. She’s silly and hilarious.  Later in the summer, I saw a clip of Notaro on a blog post that was shared in response to Daniel Tosh’s offensive rape “joke”, a story that was controversial and viral in July. The post was 15 Rape Jokes That Work (debatable, but Notaro’s clip is decidedly funny).

A few weeks later, I heard through social media that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer – in both breasts. And the prognosis didn’t look good.

More about how her story came to light, about about how she was faring came out this week. The best part of the story is that she has been successfully treated, and there is only a 7% chance that the cancer will come back. I was very happy to learn this.

The other part of the story that is making me happy is that Notaro is making a name for herself professionally, with the help of a very sweet and significant endorsement from Louis CK. After her cancer diagnosis in the summer, she did a live set at a comedy club in LA, and with raw emotion told the audience about her current bumps in the road. As if the cancer diagnosis weren’t enough, she had just suffered from several other major blows in her personal life, compounding everything. Louis CK was in the audience that night in August (and had performed at the club that evening as well). The next day, Louis CK tweeted:

in 27 years doing this, I’ve seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.

That right there made Tig Notaro go viral. So, her comedy and the very happy conclusion of this rough patch in her life, and Louis CK’s endorsement (really – what a great guy) of her work are making me happy this week. I can’t wait to see more of Tig Notaro’s work and comedy.

Terry Gross interviewed both Notaro and Louis CK about this story this week. You can hear part of her set in the story. Plus they are just great interviews.

You can purchase Notaro’s whole set on Louis CK’s site for $5.

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Dialectics and Civility

Seeking An Inclusive Progressive Christian Community

I have been following The Christian Left for a few years, occasionally reading their blog, but mostly on following them Facebook. When I found them, I was grateful to see some representation of the progressive Christian movement. Over the years, I have found their posts to be informative and enlightening.

I was disappointed in early August to see included in their Facebook feed a post depicting a terrible redneck stereotype that was intended to make fun of people who are opposed to LGBT civil rights. The post was mean-spirited and antithetical to progressive Christianity. There were many people, including me, who posted comments saying as much. While the comments were critical and expressed disappointment, no one said anything that was inflammatory or hurtful to anyone. We were basically saying, “hey, this isn’t cool.”

I understand that people are angry at the willful ignorance and bigotry of those committed to activism against LGBT civil rights. I am angry, too, but I am not looking for justification for bullying others just as we are being bullied. Anger is justifiable. Expressing that anger by seeking to demean others is not justifiable. The post struck me as a juvenile taunt, not the intelligent response to hate and intolerance that I have come to know in the progressive spiritual communities where I have worshiped.

The response to my comment is not what I might have expected. Those who were challenging the offensive post were met with defiance and stubbornness: “We’re not taking it down. It’s a joke and it’s mild compared to most of the hate we see directed from the right. Concern trolls will be banned. That’s right, banned.”

And the reaction didn’t stop there. The moderator deleted all critical comments, and then, as promised, blocked us from commenting further. Additionally, the moderator followed up by posting another juvenile and mean-spirited taunt aimed at those of us they were now deeming “concern trolls,” including the comment: “Oh, and once in awhile we’re a little sophomoric and juvenile around here at TCL. We like it that way. It breaks up the monotony. Apparently some folks don’t like it. That’s fine. Bye now. See ya later.”

I appreciate a moderator’s right to curate the comments on a blog or a Facebook page in order to maintain civil discourse. However, the post was being challenged in a critical and constructive way, not in any way being abusive or inflammatory, as trolls are wont to do. A healthy disagreement and community dialog presents an opportunity for growth. The Christian Left shut this opportunity down in a painful way, effectively excluding people who it purports to include. It is regrettable that this was done by an organization that claims to welcome those who have previously been rejected by the Church.

All of this happened within about ten minutes. At first, I was shocked, and a little hurt and angry. And then I realized that I needed to just laugh it off and step away. I struggle enough to find my place in the world as a progressive Christian. I don’t need to subject myself to this kind of negativity. I sent a follow-up email to the group expressing my disappointment (to which I do not expect to receive a response), unliked the Facebook page, and left it at that.

Happily, there are numerous organizations and resources for progressive Christianity, and there are many communities who live out the declaration on The Christian Left’s web page: “We welcome ALL to their place at God’s table, just as they are. All means ALL. No exceptions.”

Below are some that I have compiled:

Please feel free to suggest other resources that I may have missed!